NEWS FLASH EXCLUSIVE!

WE HAVE THE WONDERFUL PRIVILEGE OF REVEALING THE USE OF THE COUNTRY PORTUGAL!
Portugal of course is the slip of land down the side of Spain. Their only great achievement is creating a soccer team of average level, and one great player - Christiano Ronaldo. But today, Spain blew away the blissful ignorance of the countries history. A spokesperson, who wont be named for safety reasons, said this:

"The long history of this country began when the Spanish Parliament got sick and tired of cleaning up messes along the coast. They made an independent country along the coast, and called it Portugal, which of course in the ancient language means 'Coastal Guard'. It's soul purpose was to protect Spain from Tidal waves, Tsunami's and whatever else"

Hmmm, Nice.

Exercising Time: recomended for people over the age of 45

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. With a 2 kilo potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can.

Try to reach a full minute, and then relax. Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.

After a couple of weeks, move up to 5 kilo potato sacks.

Then try 10 kilo potato sacks and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 50 kilo potato sack in each hand, and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level.)









After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks.

At 69, I see AFL, or SEEN IN PASSING

One of the delights of getting older is the realisation that there is always something new to learn. I realised, at about age 43, that although I had lived in England at age 21, I had never been north of Newcastle in Australia. And I was 45 before I found out what a "bolter" was.

In case there are any ignorant people subscribing to le random Rant, which I doubt, a "bolter" is a horse with no chance that bolts out of the blocks and runs flat out in the hope that everyone else falls over. after a few furlongs it wears out or collapses, as the art of racing is apparently to restrain your horse to reserve its strength, then sprint to the finish. My boss made me watch the Melbourne Cup and silly me asked why the commentator had not even mentioned the bolter, who was so far ahead that he was out of sight. Reason? He had no hope, and no-one even paid attention to him, even when he came in last, after the day was over, and everyone had gone home.

Anyway, we are in Melbourne watching the kids play in the park when I saw some some AFL players practicing and went and watched.

Now I have learned that you do not actually WATCH AFL, in the sense that you are present at the game. You can only be present at PART of the game, because it is more like standing next to a horse race. these two guys suddenly appear `running opposite each other, one cattches a ballwhich falls out of the sky, and punches it to the other. Second player kicks it back into the sky and they both disappear downwind out of sight, like galloping horses. It is some minutes later before they re-appear, panting like dogs, when the ball falls out of the sky again. The crowd is reading the paper.

It is hard to imagine the concept of an "away" game in AFL, because the ground seems to cover several suburbs, so the home ground must be covered in any game. I think I heard one player asked the other if he had his passport with him, and toothbrush.

Uncle Joel was right when he said it was best watched on TV. Saves bus fares between goals for the spectators.

SDS? What is it and Why is it so hilarious?

SDS. We have all seen it. Yes, you have. What does SDS stand for? Small Dog Syndrome. You know, when your down at the park, and your walking by a family with a Chihuahua? And you have a German Shepard? Chihuahua's are hardly considered a dog. ANYTHING that a) can be drop kicked easily over the back fence b) bounces when it barks, and c) is scared by a running LEAF! Not a dog. But how is it that these small brained creatures are scared of leaves and noises like the telephone think that they can take on the German Shepard and win? The other day we were down at the park having a BBQ with our cousins, and suddenly their Maltese Terrier takes off. We all follow where it is going, and it runs 80m over to another random person with a Golden Retriever cross German Shepard, and tried to fight it.

IDIOT OF A DOG!!

Anyway, the stupid thing thought that it could take down this giant about 10x bigger than it! The German Shepard cross just looked down as if to say, "One Bite and your history buddy". Does that put it off? Nope, we had to drag the thing away and restrain it until the owner and the dog were over a KILOMETRE away.

My Cousins Dog (not quite sure what it is, but it only just reaches my shins) loves tackle 2L Coke Bottles. Even if they are in front of a metal pole.

IDIOT OF A DOG!!


The dog chased the bottle, ran into the pole, got up, growled, shook its head, and ran after the bottle again?

Got a similar story? Let us know! Goodness knows that's all this site is about!!

Stupid Names for Pets

Today, in Melbourne no less, where pets matter more than people, we saw a sign on a post seeking information about a lost chook. Yes, a chook.

What was amazing about this notice? You will not believe this. No, you will, because contributors to le random rant are believers in the stupidity of all mankind, except for the oter contributors to le random rant. We are told, on this notice, that the missing chook answers to the name "chook chook".

Now what chance has a grieving owner of having their pet shunning false claims of familiarity by giving it such an OBVIOUS name? A few crumbs of wheat or corn, a tentative try at a name "chook chook", and in a flash the catch is in the bag and whisked away to a new home. It is, after all, just a chook, and cannot be expected to understand that a perfect stranger could possibly know its name.

So, here's a tip. If you have a pet chook, call it "Urang utan", and if if you happen to have a pet Urang utan, call it "chook chook". In the case of the Urang utan, not only may you save it falling for a false owner, there is a good chance that, upon being referred to as a chook,it will grab the thief and take it up into a Palm tree and teach it a lesson or two, before unwrapping and relaxing under the cardboard box that was supposed to be its temporary prison.

Idiots and ideom

It always annoys me that the press does not acknowledge its ignorance in things like his. HRH Prince Phillip's pet name for the Queen is "cabbage". they make great fun of this. They would now know however that "cabbage" (Mon clou) is simple a french term of endearment, as English uses "honey". In perpetrating his ignorance in the masses they show that entertainment takes precedence over truth.

Which reminds me of the Irishman who was impressed when the American at table said to the lady on his left.. "pass me the honey, honey". Followed by "pass me the sugar, sugar". So the Irishman tried is hand with "pass me the tea, bag."

Fun With A Translator!

Ok, I am going to have a bit of fun showing how basic translators can be!
I will type a sentance in, Translate it to Spanish, then French, then German, then Chinese, then back to English!
Ok, First Sentance: The Quick Brown Fox Jumps Over The Lazy Dog (It contains every letter in the English Alphabet!)
Translated = Kastanienbraune fox fast reversal in lazy dog.
Hmmm, that worked.
Ok, next up! She Sells Sea Shells By The Sea Shore
Translated = It sells the sea the outer covering by the sea edge..
Shame if you were playing a multi-language game of Chinese whispers!
3) There is enough nourishment in a pair of shoes to last you several days on a desert Island
= Its it has foot there from food in the shoes because latter several days in desert island
4) The Energiser Bunny Ate Curry While Dancing In A Pink Leotard On His Mothers Bed. He Fell Into A Fire And Ran Around Screaming "Hot Hot Hot Hot Hot!!!"
UH OH....
= It invests Conejito to strike but actually Activeur A Cari which eats, when he dances in Leotard Attrayant in its mother. It is likes at the open fight between factions also A, playing the role to sob nearby "R3echauffe R3echauffe R3echauffe R3echauffe, R3echauffe! ! ! "
Yeah, you can totally tell where that came from!
So next time ou are bored, find yourself a translator, write the most random thing that you can find, then translate it through multiple languages, before going back to english!
Have fun guys, and remember, Sanity is only something of the mind. It should be mixed with the occasional insane thought to keep life interesting!